Matt's Weight Loss Odyssey: Part 14 (Ugh)

Leading up to the holidays, I was doing very well with my workout/nutrition changes. And honestly, even through the holidays, I only gained two pounds (which I've since lost ... 106 pounds now, by the way).

But during the holidays, I didn't use the elliptical machine nearly as much, opting instead to play basketball -- usually in the form of 2-on-2 games at the YMCA. Part of this was because it's basketball season, but also because I'm finally in good enough shape to play. Then let's not forget that my iPod died about a month ago, and I don't want to spend $200 on a new one at the moment.

So maybe not having an iPod blaring fast-paced rock or hip-hop straight into my head is what's caused this "funk" lately.

I hate to even call it a funk, because it's not like I'm not working out -- I'm still at the YMCA five days a week. And I'm not going crazy with food -- maybe I'm snacking a little more than I used to, but it's not like I'm stuffing free rolls in my pocket when I go out to eat. And I'm already scaling back the snacks.

But for about the past two weeks now, I just haven't felt like my normal self. On the elliptical, I'm walking a few tenths of a mile less than I did before, and as a result, I'm burning about 50 fewer calories. And no matter what, I can't seem to get back to that old pace for any period of time. It's just really exhausting.

In that time, I've stopped lifting weights while I work out a set schedule I can sustain. Maybe that's causing my funk?

I think part of it is mental (as is so much of weight loss). When I started, I took every slight I've ever suffered in life -- girls rejecting me because of my weight, schoolyard taunts, my sister calling me fat, busting a chair in school because I was too heavy -- and, even if the slights were perceived (I'm sure not ALL the girls rejected me because of my weight), I took them and used them as motivation. I was trying to prove everyone wrong.

Basically, my attitude was: "to hell with anyone who's ever told me I can't do it or called me fat." I used that as motivation, but for some reason, lately, I haven't been able to get ANGRY enough to get psyched when working out. I mean ... in a lot of ways ... I'm content. Not with my weight, but life in general. Changes are coming this year, absolutely, but I'm not getting as worked up as I used to about anything.

Here's a good example. Last February, the Blazers led the Denver Nuggets for most of the game, before coughing up the game in the final minutes. I went to the gym so completely angry that night, and I probably worked out as hard as ever to that point. I mean, I was livid that they lost the game, and I took it out on the elliptical machine. Now, I get frustrated, but not nearly enough for that energy to carry over to my workouts.

Shortly after I started losing weight in late 2005, I received a questionnaire from Kaiser, asking, "is gastric bypass the answer?" Outwardly, I laughed it off, but inside, it tore me up that I was to the point where my doctor was asking if I wanted to have surgery. I mean, can't I do it myself? So that lit a fire whenever I looked it during the first year, but now that I *HAVE* lost 100+ pounds, I just think it's funny. Even on the outside.

I feel like I've lost my edge, and I don't know how to get it back. But the thing is, I'm still working out five times a week, watching what I eat and drinking plenty of water. I just don't have that passion or drive running through me. Now, it feels like I'm going through the motions instead of building on anything or working toward something.

Maybe it has to do with people telling me in the past few weeks that I look like I've lost weight. In the first ten months of this adventure, I don't think but three or four people told me that they noticed a difference. Then November and December hit, and all of a sudden, co-workers and friends are like "whoa." So maybe I heard that adulation and got content?

But it's not like I *NEED* to figure out what's wrong; I mean, I'm still doing everything I used to do, and I'm still doing it well. So maybe there's nothing really wrong, other than I'm finally getting used to working out? I don't know.