"People lined up to see the Titanic sinkin'
Instead we rose from the ash like a phoenix ..."
I went to the doctor last week and weighed in at about 260 pounds -- or ten more than I weighed as recently as two or three months ago.
In some small way, I've let myself go. I've been more liberal about snacking. Peanut butter cookies at Starbucks became my vice. I went back for seconds. I stopped working out after moving last month.
You know how people say, "It's good to have a snack every once in awhile?" Well, I don't think they're referring to a cookie, which contains about 500 calories, according to Starbucks.com. Not every day, any way.
Then, after moving in early September, the workouts stopped. At first, my excuse was that I was too drained from the move. Then when that excuse didn't work, I was too busy doing other things (like watching Season 3 of "The Office" on DVD!). Then, after that didn't work, I was too busy hanging out with friends.
Well, I'm not too busy with any of that. I've just forgotten what it feels like to get on the elliptical, turn up the iPod and focus on burning as many calories as possible as quickly as possible. That great feeling that comes with hopping off the elliptical ... I forgot all about it.
And like I said, I've been more forgiving about food. I've been eating out with friends fairly often. Instead of ordering a salad at McMenamins, I'll get the fish and chips. Same with Red Robin.
My doctor visibly winced when I told him. "It's a slippery slope," he told me. "I know, I know, I know," I said.
I got away from what got me here. Just because I'm here doesn't mean I'm done. And if I'm not done -- which I never will be -- then how can I double back and start doing whatever put me in the position to lose weight in the first place?
See, at the beginning of summer, I said I was going to push hard and get down to my target weight. Well, I didn't do that.
Instead, I had the doctor appointment last week to enlighten me. Not just that, but I still have a letter from my former medical provider, suggesting gastric bypass surgery. It's motivation. I think of everyone who's ever called me fat. It's all fuel to me. And I've gotten away from it. I've gotten too self-satisfied for doing what I've done.
But if I don't keep going, I haven't done anything. How can I stop now?
Whenever I think about going to the vending machine for a bag of Famous Amos Cookies, I ask myself: Do I need this? How long will it be until my next meal? Will I work out tonight? How bad do I want this? Everything is a choice. All I have to do is make the right choice.
I was extremely disciplined for a year. There's absolutely no reason I can't get back to that.
I will mess up. I know that. But I just have to mess up less and compensate it for getting back to working out.
To help with that, I actually signed up for an independent studies PE course through Clark College. That serves a dual purpose (more on that another time), but for now, it'll be a great opportunity for me to establish a steady, consistent routine.
And as part my routine, I'll probably be hanging out with friends a lot less on weeknights. To those offended, my apologies. You can come work out with me -- that would be fine. But now, I will have all weekend, every weekend, to do as I please. No more missed workouts to hang out with friends (which I did even at my zenith).
Quite simply, this is something I have to do.
My new routine will be Monday through Friday. I'll lift weights Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. Those same nights, I'll work out on the elliptical or treadmill. On Wednesdays, I will play basketball. This week is already shot, between homework and plans to head out of town on Friday. But I'll get to the gym when I can.
I've already made changes. The snacks stopped. So did the seconds at the dinner table. The restaurant or menu choices are changing.
The last time I was jarred, I weighed 372 pounds. This isn't nearly as bad, but it's a good wake-up call. Back then, I wore a 4XL shirt. I had two chins. Stairs winded me. Hot dogs enticed me. I've still lost more than 100 pounds, but I'm not there yet. I'm a lot closer than I was two years ago, but ... I'm not there yet.
And next week, it begins all over again.
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